Love Letters: Seeking Singledom

By Jessica Alpert (@jessprk)
Jul 29, 2011, 3:40 PM
8 Comments

(☺ Lee J Haywood/Flickr)

Today’s Love Letter goes a little something this:

Let me start by getting the facts out of the way. We are mid 30s -early 40s, both divorced years ago. We each have children who are mid-late teens. Have known each other for about 5 years, in a serious relationship for a few years. There is talk of moving in together and marriage, but neither of us is in any rush. We don’t want any more kids.

I know how lucky I am to have found an amazing, wonderful man. We have a fantastic relationship. Communicate well.

So then why, at times, do I feel that I should just be alone? Let me clarify this. Maybe every six months or so, I wonder if I am just not meant to be in a relationship.

What do you think? Should our letter writer embrace this intermittent desire to be single? Are you single by choice and do you get a lot of flack for it?

Guests:

Meredith Goldstein, Love Letters columnist, Boston Globe
Dr. Bella DePaulo, visiting professor of psychology, University of California at Santa Barbara; author, “Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignore — and Still Living Happily Ever After”

More:

Read: Love Letters here
Living Single: Dr. Bella DePaulo’s column in Psychology Today

Other stories from this show:

http://onebowlcookbook.com Stephanie

I’m delighted to be hearing the talk now! As a happily single person, my only frustration is a family-sized society. How frustrating is it that apartments are so much more expensive per person for on than for two?

BTW, I’ve been working on a cookbook for single people, with great healthy recipes sized for one person. Most people are single for at least a portion of their life, and we all need to eat well though all stages of life.

Buggie

Thanks for y0ur efforts on that cook book! I never cook because I just can’t seem to buy for one person and estimate portions for one person. I mean, I grew up with a mom cooking every meal for 4, and even after all these years I WAY overestimate how much I need!

Barbara Tiemann

Well, I think this is such an individual thing! I know people who absolutely *have* to be in a relationship, and will do anything to make that happen. I also know people who have not been in a relationship for years (with no exageration). And they’re fine.

I know what you mean by a sort-of marginalization of single people, especially at the workplace. ‘Oh, Jane’s gotta go pick up her kids at daycare. You wouldn’t mind staying a little late and helping with this project, would you?” Grrrrr! I do have a life!

Singularly yours,
Barbara

Buggie

I agree, I know the same types of people who just feel they must be coupled. I wonder though, how much of that feeling comes from social indoctrination. I wonder if these same people wouldn’t be determined to be single all the time if we were to grow up in a culture where single is the accepted norm and coupled is an “alternative” lifestyle.

30Someone

I’m so happy to hear someone say that some people are single at heart. I see myself as one of those people. I’ve lived very happily alone for fifteen years, and while I’ve been in romantic relationships, singledom feels much more normal to me.

On Stephanie’s point, what I find most frustrating is how expensive it is to travel alone, my preferred way. I’d take a small room with a single bed if I could only get a discount on a hotel room. Alas, this is rarely available, and I’ve never seen a travel deal for a single.
Susanne Macdonald

This whole discussion boils down to one thing: “freedom.” As Joni Mitchell put it in the ’70′s: ” We love our lovin’ — but not like we love our freedom.” The issue is not one of being “single” or of desiring or seeking “singleness” — rather, the issue is recognizing the human instinct and inclination to be “free.”
DavidB

I think this is a terrific state to be in. I’m ten years older, but otherwise much the same. At this point in life I want a relationship where we both have freedom to walk away, but our partners and the relationship is so important to us that we work to win the relationship every day, as if we were newly dating. Take that attitude into the relationship and see where it goes.
Buggie

I’m in a new romantic relationship and it is great, but there definitely is a trade off. As Meredith says, there is that aspect of being single that you don’t know what’s around the corner or who you’re going to meet which is really great, even if you never really meet anyone interesting. And as Bella says, I think if I were to approach my relationship “intensively” it would be a lot more problematic. I think the way to be happy being single or in a couple is to remember that you are still you and that all the other people in your life are still as important and still play the same roles as they did when you were single, and you can still make friends and meet new people and do what you love like the surfer that called in. If you end up in a relationship where you have to change any of this, I think that’s when you have to start wondering if this relationship is a positive addition to your life.

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UNDERWRITING

Why Have Kids?

Love Letters: Seeking Singledom