Love Letters: Is His Fantasy Life Dangerous?

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(Josh Liba/Flickr)

(Josh Liba/Flickr)

In today’s Love Letter, we take a closer look at porn.

Here’s an excerpt of the letter:

I’m a 31-year-old female. I’ve been in a relationship with a great guy for six months now. We met online. He’s 32 and has a graduate degree and a great job. I’ve met his family and passed their test, and he’s met mine and passed theirs. We live apart but spend three to four nights a week together at each other’s apartments. So far, so good.

The other night was an unsettling experience to say the least. I was at his place for the night. I woke up at about 3 a.m. and he was not in bed. I could see the light on in his office so I got up and walked down the hall. As I approached the office, I could see him seated at his desk, enjoying an adult video on his computer. I’m not a prude – I know that this happens — but what was unsettling was that he was viewing [extremely aggressive] material that was degrading to women, both verbally and physically. And what was worse, he was muttering to himself as if he were part of the scene.

Needless to say, I was appalled. He absolutely is not like that. He treats his mother and sisters with great respect. Our lovemaking is sweet and tender, almost too gentle. He’s about the last guy on earth I would have expected this from. Now I’m concerned that he harbors some deep hatred of women that might work its way to the surface someday.

Our panel of experts weigh in. What would you say?

Guests:

  • Meredith Goldstein, Love Letters columnist, Boston Globe
  • Dr. David Scharch, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist; author, “Passionate Marriage” and “Intimacy and Desire”
  • Jamye Waxman, M.Ed., sex educator who has co-written, directed and produced adult films

More:

  • strix2011

    It seems like porn is always a “his” problem.  are there women out there that watch or are willing to admit that they watch porn?

  • http://www.bodyparagraphs.blogspot.com EmGrim

    @18c1f635bd5c5fecc327a51888f47fed:disqus , you’re absolutely right.  There is a level of taboo that both keeps women from admitting they watch porn AND allows their degradation and abuse in porn to be acceptable.  The bottom line seems to be “If it turns a man on, it’s acceptable.” 1. There’s no REAL discussion about what turns a woman on and 2. What validity is there in an argument that uses sexual release as a justification for demeaning, violent behavior?  Imagine the same argument but replace race as the issue: if people got some kind of release from watching people of a certain ethnicity being treated with brutality, it would be seen as evil, wrong, and unacceptable.  When women are the victims in question, it’s simply seen as “sexual taste.”  I personally think a little “sexual boredom” is something people can deal with if the alternative is indulging an industry that exploits women and promotes violent behavior towards them.
    The porn industry and the way that it has exploded into our lives via the internet presents a very dangerous problem.  Boys are being raised on this stuff, expecting real-life women to be as hairless, noisy, and eager to be tied up and abused as the ones they see online.  I know that the violent acts in most aggressive porn are consensual, but that is not the issue.  If they weren’t there is no question about how wrong they are. The issue is the message that that kind of exposure sends: one of domination and subservience and worst of all, enjoying it.  I understand that some people have preferences that lead them in this direction, but that does not justify perpetuating an over-sexualized, obedient image of women.
    I’m a freshman in college and I’ve talked to guys my age.  They watch porn young. 11 years old seems to be a fairly average age.  As they grow into sexual maturity, this is what they learn.  This is their debut into their sexual lives.  The “fantasy” is the first thing they know.  Isn’t that bound to affect the way they see women, sexually and overall?
    And not to mention the fact that there is very little fuss made about how women mature sexually.  That seems to sit permanently on the back burner.
    Imagine the rolls reversed for a moment: young girls, teenagers, women of all ages indulging in male-massochistic porn, male-directed domination and violence because it turns them on. If fact, watching it is encouraged to relieve female sexual boredom. Just to say something like that in the context of our culture sounds funny and unnatural.  Obviously the scales are not balanced.  And seeing as it would take far more effort to raise consciousness about the inattention paid to female sexual desire and diversity in women’s sexual preferences, I say we just really think about the impact that violent porn can have a start discouraging it.
    We (hopefully) teach our kids that violence is wrong.  Every parent/teacher/lawmaker knows that when there is an exception to a rule, that rule is weakened, less important.  Porn and male sexual gratification are some exceptions to the violence rule.  We are essentially saying “Being violent is wrong.  Being abusive is wrong.  Binding and gagging someone to the point of helplessness is wrong. Unless it turns you on.  Then, go right ahead.”

  • MrIvan

    I heard the presentation on Friday, and I was quite happy with it.  It included the usual cautionary notes, sandwiched in between typical devil-may-care freedom cries and, from the other side, the usual paranoia and stereotyping one expects whenever this sort of subject matter is broached in a public forum.

    Let me say from the outset–I have participated in activities such as described, although from the responsible, sane and mutual-consent sort of perspective that anyone MUST have to participate in this or any other form of play in which there are risks inherent.  Even in the most straight, vanilla kinds of sex, one must still be aware of consent, not to mention safety around STDs, legal age requirements and the need not to impose one’s activity to those having no desire to be involved.

    Further, I will say freely that I am an erotic writer–what some might call a “Pornographer” if they wish to degrade the medium.  My work has been sold in hardcopy as well as posted online for over 15 years.   My writing depicts the kinds of activity that would get someone thrown in jail if they were foolish enough to recreate it with non-consenting partners.  And by the way, VERY few people get rich in this business.  In spite of broad circulation, I probably have not made even $500 with the work.  I do it because I enjoy it.

    At this point, the sceptics will be shouting, “Why???  What business has this guy got telling people how to beat on women or abuse people???”

    One of the first requirements of participation in this kind of fantasy role-play is to understand one critically important point.  It is indeed ROLEPLAY.  It involves people who share a fantasy, agree to play out that fantasy within an agreed set of limits, then conduct themselves with a variety of safety mechanisms in play–such as safewords, signals, pre-set limits on the activity and whatever else they mutually need to guarantee both their safety and their enjoyment of the play.  It also presumes knowledge of both the techniques of the activities involved as well as the inherent risks, if any, that may be present.

    Risk, you say?  Indeed, yes.  When you ride a bicycle, you don’t ride into traffic.  When you engage in vanilla sex, in an affectionate missionary position with romance and hugs and kisses, you still need precautions–making sure the curtains are drawn, the kids are either soundly asleep or with a sitter, birth control is in effect (unless you intend to procreate), and both parties are free of STDs.  Or alternately, using condoms.  Failure to take such precautions risks things like potentially fatal diseases with AIDS at the top of the list, not to mention unwanted pregnancy, as well as the plethora of unintended consequences that may happen when third parties are unexpectedly involved.

    So, do not talk to me about the idea of kinky sex being risky–ALL sex involves risk.  The kind of risk and the nature of the ways of insuring safety vary with the activity.  And it is for these reasons, among others, that the law defines a legal age of consent in lieu of being able to read minds to determine the maturity of would-be participants.

    Once again, with emphasis.  There is reality, and there is fantasy.  A great deal of sexuality involves the playing out of fantasies.  And sorry if EmGrim finds this disturbing, but a great many of us, including women, have fantasies involving things like Rape.

    In the real world, rape is a form of assault, horrendous in its effects and implications.  On two occasions in my life, I’ve witnessed assaults on women and was able to summon police assistance in time to prevent the activities from doing damage.  And among those who party with things like Dominance and submission as themes, you can bet that everyone at such gatherings is well aware of the responsibilities involved and takes them VERY seriously.

    EmGrim further demonstrates his (? – I don’t know their gender) ignorance when they presume such activities to exclusively victimize women.  Have they ever heard of a very popular theme known as Female Domination?  Funny thing about ignorance–it tends to go along with the usual racial and gender stereotypes.  Better to remain silent and be suspected of being a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

    Fantasy play in this area always starts with an understanding between participants.  Whether we’re talking about a private encounter, a party scene or production of a movie (well, MOST movies done by reputable pornographers), no one is involved who doesn’t know what they are getting into and has discussed the full range of possible activities beforehand.  One recent innovation in the industry is to include conversations before and/or after a presentation with the participants to demonstrate that no one is being coerced in RL in spite of making every effort to depict it that way in some of the presentations.

    Why?

    Why do romantics feel sex should be preceded by a candlelit dinner or a walk under a full moon?  It is because everyone is an individual in terms of what turns them on.  Some enjoy roses and an ocean shore, others love Leather and Latex.  Some enjoy gentleness, others like what is sometimes called “a bit of slap and tickle”.

    It is the fault of our society that so many of us try to pigeonhole sex into a narrow slot intended solely for procreation.  We are raised to think of sexual fantasy as “sinful”, and as a result, so many are plagued with guilt about it for years into adulthood.  And society, of course, has fallen flat on its face when one considers that people like Geoffery Dahmer was raised a good Christian.

    I suggest to anyone that shares EmGrim’s feelings on this do some reading on the subject.  Not just the porn, but the blogs, the organizations, the clubs, places where you can get a feel for what really goes on among those who practice such forms of play in a sane, responsible manner.  Replace the paranoia with some knowledge and experience that will enable you to understand what is really happening out there, what the participants really feel about the activities, what they get out of play at that level of intensity.  Then, at least when you talk about it in the future, you won’t be adding strength to the bogus stereotypes that rule the public media about these subjects, and perhaps you will stop looking like the kind of uninformed people that still believe Oswald shot Kennedy.

    All conflict is born of ignorance.  Let’s get together and stop the ignorance.

    If anyone has any questions, I’d be happy to answer emails.  I can be reached at mrivan@comcast.net
     

Hosts Meghna Chakrabarti and Anthony Brooks introduce us to newsmakers, big thinkers and artists and bring us stories of relevance to Bostonians here and around the region. Live every weekday at 3.

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